This is the second installment of a little series on D/s relationships (read part one here). This one is focusing on service, aka my love language! As I mentioned in part one, power exchange relationships usually involve a level of control and service. If you’re not familiar with what service means in this context, it’s essentially negotiating the use of your partner’s talents and skills in your dynamic. Being “in service” is usually part of one’s kink or Leather identity. In D/s, we mostly hear about the submissive as the one who is providing the service because it’s more common, but remember that dominants can also be in service/service oriented. For the sake of simplification and communication (not erasure), I’ll be referring to subs as providing service and doms as receiving service. A service submissive prides themself on providing care in the form of tasks, chores, or care taking and might have ongoing tasks to serve their dominant like laundry or car maintenance. Giving and receiving negotiated service reinforces the dynamic.
There are so many motivations for wanting to provide service from utilitarian to devotional. Some submissives are naturally oriented helpers because it makes them feel useful and they might offer their service to play partners or for community events. Other submissives offer service as a form of devotion in a continuous dynamic where they use skills they already have and often develop new skills (I see all those newly acquired gel manicure skills in quarantine) to make their dominant’s life easier. What I’m going to talk about here falls into the devotional service submissive role in D/s relationships.
The Duke of Burgundy (2014)
My own D/s relationships have revolved heavily around devotional service. My service submissive (and girlfriend) provides a wide range of services for me including cooking, grocery shopping, dog care, body service (hair cutting, manicures, leg shaving), and cleaning just to name a few. I asked her to share important parts of her service and she sent me a list including duty, obedience, feeling accomplished, intimacy, worship, and easing Daddy’s load (hehe). I always do too much all the time, and without her service I would be way more tired and definitely would not have consistently great hair.
I’ve been on the receiving end of a lot of misdirected feelings about service oriented relationships. It still surprises me which parts of my very public BDSM practices people find problematic. Beat her until she’s bleeding—Yes, MORE! Make her wash my dishes—PHEW, line crossed! When I have written previously about ending a romantic D/s dynamic, I got lots of comments on how I saw my ex-girlfriend as an object and I was only sad because now I’m stuck doing my own chores. Someone who practices BDSM once told me that I was lazy for receiving service. If you’re reading this and you maybe don’t quite understand the meaning of all this, listening is a wonderful learning opportunity!
In setting up a service oriented relationship, communication is (as always) extremely important. Each person must be able to assess their own needs and capacity to provide what is being asked. Submissives shouldn’t agree to bite off more than they can chew and need to clearly communicate their honest boundaries and limits. A service D/s relationship should never be so overwhelming that it impedes a submissive’s ability to take care of themself. I’ve definitely seen submissives using the service relationship as a way to avoid their own life responsibilities. Being in service to someone else means first being in service to yourself. If someone wants to clean your house while their house is filthy, that’s a red flag.
The kind of service the dominant wants, and what types of service the submissive is able to provide should be a match. Something I’ve done in the past to find alignment is to make lists! I made a list of what I needed, and the submissive made a list of services she was interested in and able to provide. The submissive’s list can even include tiers of service for various skill levels from “I’m an expert” to “I’m willing to learn.” This can serve as a starting point for framing what a service dynamic might look like depending on where your lists overlap. As someone who receives a lot of service, I’ve learned that it’s all about setting expectations and providing detailed instructions so the submissive is set up for success. Some other things to think about are: Who’s paying for errands (does sub get reimbursed or need cash up front)? Does the submissive have supplies to perform the tasks? Does the dominant want to micromanage tasks/need to approve every detail?
“Mop the floor” is very different from “Mop the floor after you sweep up the dirt, then use this specific mop with the citrus hardwood floor cleaner, then follow up with a wax.”
There are a million different ways someone can be helpful, but unless the dominant wants the service, it’s not service. In a power exchange relationship, service happens in two ways— proactive and reactive (I recommend reading Real Service for more details). Reactive service is when the submissive is providing the service because they have been tasked. Proactive service is when the submissive anticipates needs and provides service accordingly. Proactive service most often relies on an intimate relationship where the people involved know each other very well, or at least well enough to be able to anticipate what would be helpful and appreciated. As such, the beginning of any service relationship will rely heavily on reactive service. I’ve learned that I don’t enjoy dynamics where service is mostly reactive. I love the intimate feeling of a submissive studying and learning what I like to anticipate my needs based on the time we’ve spent together. Constantly giving orders for reactive service burns me out, and then I start to feel like someone’s actual parent.
Examples of each are:
Reactive service is when a submissive goes grocery shopping because the dominant asks them to and provides them with a detailed list.
Proactive service is when a submissive walks their dominant’s dog without being asked before their date so the dominant doesn't have to rush. Sub has keys to the dom’s house and is familiar with how to walk the dog.
Another great aspect of service is that it can also be worked into scenes and made more sexy. Not all service or D/s relationships need to be sexual, but if they are there are so many easy ways to incorporate erotic aspects into the service. Leather care involving boot licking, cleaning in a french maid outfit, pedicures as foot worship, running errands with a butt plug/chastity, sniffing each pair of panties before they go into the washer, etc. Let’s not forget that sexual service is its own thing and can even be used as a reward! “You did a great job today, and now you get the honor of going down on me!” In my opinion, if service is coming from a place of devotion, it’s always somewhat erotic whether or not it’s intentional.
Discipline, as one of the Ds in BDSM, is obviously very relevant here. Much of my discipline research produced results about religious self-discipline, which is both utilitarian and devotional. I swear all D/s leads me back around to God as the one omniscient Daddy that everyone’s just trying to please. I found an interesting study that supports the argument that the “primary purpose of religious belief is to enhance the basic cognitive process of self-control, which in turn promotes any number of valuable social behaviors.” If we replace “religious belief” with “D/s relationships” it’s... surprisingly accurate! Let’s revisit the word discipline itself, which has several meanings that can all be applied to devotional service. Devotional service is itself a discipline (1), that requires discipline (2), in hopes to ultimately avoid discipline (3).
In the academic and professional worlds a discipline is a specific branch of knowledge, learning or practice.
Discipline can be a set of expectations that are required by any governing entity including the self, groups, classes, fields, industries, or societies.
Discipline is action or inaction that is regulated to be in accordance (or to achieve accord) with a particular system of governance. Discipline is commonly applied to regulating human and animal behavior.
The Handmaiden (2016) while not technically D/s, is extremely hot.
Service is my love language. This is something I learned about myself through BDSM. It sounds ridiculous, but I actually had to learn how to receive service. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have needs, which meant I didn’t figure out I had feelings other than anger or happiness well into my twenties. You might be able to imagine what this meant for me— I was insistent on being completely independent, I didn’t ask for anything because I didn’t have needs, I took care of everyone else, and I never let anyone help me. I was completely unaware that I was still living in survival mode well after I made it to safety. Unlearning the very things that kept me safe as a kid has been a process that will no doubt continue for years to come. (I wrote more about this for FIST 04, which has the theme of Devotion.)
So what does this have to do with D/s? When I figured out that I was dominant, I had to ask for what I wanted, there was no way around it. When it comes to receiving service in an ongoing dynamic, this essentially means asking for help All The Time even if it’s not framed as help. The simple request of “Can you get me some water?” becomes less scary because someone has already signed on to happily bring me a glass of water. The nature of these relationships for me turns healing itself into a discipline by getting to know myself better, understanding what I need, and then asking for it. Then, when I provide feedback on the service it goes even farther by blowing up my small island named “if you want something done right you have to do it yourself” in favor of vulnerability and intimacy by letting someone know how to meet my standards. All of this internal dialog cycles back into building the dynamic.
The annihilation of my island has been the cause of so much growth that may not have occurred otherwise. This particular example is applicable to many aspects of BDSM (akin to bottoms being empowered by voicing boundaries and limits). Building safety in relationships is like a call and response. Growing up, my calls weren’t met with responses so I stopped calling. Being a dominant who receives service has provided me a way to understand my needs, voice them, and receive a loving response.
Thank you for this! As a service-oriented submissive, some of what you say surprises me. I guess I over-romanticize Dominant personas and don’t spend much time thinking of their vulnerabilities. “Needing help” and learning to ask for help would not have occurred to me as reasons a Dominant would seek service! I always thought of Dominants as having all they need, resting in a place of power and control, and *allowing* me to assist them. This is great food for thought, thank you.
So great! I identified with the part about not being able to have needs as a child, so learning what mine are is still difficult sometimes, too. When I do identify and meet them and can then serve who I am devoted to, though, it is vvv hot and satisfying! Thank you for writing and sharing 🙏🖤