D/s + the axis of control

playing with power dynamics

Confession: I’ve wanted to write about this for a long time! It’s a topic that is near and dear to my heart and since I’m stuck in my house all day, now seems like a good time. I’ve read so much bad stuff about power exchange relationships and my mission here is to try to write some things that are helpful, accessible, and queer! Teaching and/or sharing knowledge about BDSM is something I really like to do, but I always want to caveat everything by saying that I am not an expert (whatever that even means, I’m probably not it), just someone who has been doing it, thinking about it, and living it pretty happily for a while. Keep in mind that there is absolutely no One True Way, in fact, there are millions of ways that are true and valid.

This is the first of a three-part series on power exchange (maybe more because I have a lot to say?) and will be a 201 level introduction to D/s where I give a too-brief overview of a very complicated topic. This isn’t a how-to because I think the best part of building this type of relationship is that you get to create Your Own Thing! Part two will probably be all about Service, and part three will be about D/s in polyamorous relationships.

Power exchange (PE or TPE), role-bound, or D/s, are all different names for relationships where someone is the leader and the other person follows. These relationship structures involve a consensual surrender of power from one person to the other and usually revolve around control and/or service. This is the “DS” in BDSM, which names the leader role as dominant, and the follower role as submissive. (Side note: D/s is usually written this way because the one who has the power gets capital letters, and the one who is giving up the power gets lowercase letters. You might see the pronouns and names of Doms always capitalized, while subs are lowercase. Just like when referring to God in the Bible!) These terms are not to be confused with top and bottom, which are names for the doer and receiver in SM. Dominants and submissives can be many things including sadists, masochists, tops, bottoms, and switches. There are many facets to kink and Leather identities, so remember to forget what you’ve heard and treat each person as an individual. Most importantly, while power exchange relationships often include sadomasochism, they absolutely don’t need to.  

Each person defines their role in relation to the other person(s), usually an archetype like Mommy and boy. Then, a framework is co-created where give and take are outlined and heavily negotiated. Roles that one person takes on in a relationship shouldn’t be assumed to translate to all other D/s relationships. For example, if someone is a girl in one relationship, it doesn’t mean they can’t be a Daddy to someone else, etc. There is no one-size-fits-all for role-bound relationships, especially for queer and/or polyamorous people trying to live this lifestyle. What you see other people doing, what you read in Story of O, or 50 Shades are not only wildly unrealistic, but they’re not the only way to have a D/s relationship. These types of relationships require deep introspection, dedication, and care to make them sustainable. 

When I first started practicing BDSM, I had made up my mind that D/s relationships were going too far. I didn’t want someone to rely on me for instruction on their every move, especially because I thrive in relationships where everyone is independent and free to do whatever they want. When I met the person who introduced me to BDSM, she had just gotten out of an intense long-term, live-in Daddy/little relationship that didn’t sound appealing to me at all. After a few years exploring the scene, meeting people, reading books, and learning about myself, I began to warm up to the idea. The first thing I noticed was that the honorific “Daddy” really turned me on when I pictured myself in this position. At first, the feelings were sexual; it awakened things in me that I didn’t know existed and gave way to my fetish for corruption. Then, as my experience grew, my feelings expanded and gave me a framework and language for how I orient towards both bottoms/submissives and my life in general. Being a Daddy means different things to everyone, but most can agree on a stern authority figure, a caretaker who is perhaps more practical than emotional.  

Lucky for me that while I was figuring all this stuff out, I was in a long-term BDSM relationship with a bottom. There was a natural progression where both of us were expanding our archetypes and leaning into our roles outside the play room. I have found that the more I practice BDSM, the more my goal posts move. The in-scene only BDSM relationship that began with no interest in full-time D/s eventually became a power dynamic relationship. I have learned so much through experience and exploration since then and I’m grateful that I kept an open mind. 

The main thing that I wish I knew when I was first starting out (that I was the most wrong about) is that D/s doesn’t mean that you have someone chained up in your house who services you 24/7. It doesn’t mean that you have total control over someone’s every move. It definitely doesn’t mean someone signs over their agency as a human being and lives under your bed. These are all really hot fantasies, but absolutely not sustainable situations for most people. As with all things, there is a scale to power exchange relationships and all parts of the scale are valid. 

I created a four quadrant matrix to help explain how I think about different levels of power exchange. The first axis of the matrix tells us what level of control is being given up and ranges from limited to total. The second axis of the matrix is for when we are giving up that power, only in-scene or 24/7. This produces four quadrants that allow a wide range of variability for where you can plot your current or ideal relationships.

Contained Control is giving up most, if not all control in a contained scene. This is most often seen in fantasy power play (ie a CNC kidnapping) where the relationship resumes back to egalitarian when the scene is over. 

Continuous Control is the most extreme of all power exchange relationships where complete control is given up most, or all, the time. An example would be what we think of when we hear “Old Guard” D/s—a 24/7 surrender of autonomy. The most extreme example of this is what I thought all power exchange relationships had to be. 

Contained Dynamic dips a toe in the water of power exchange and is when little control is given up in a contained scene. Many BDSM scenes fall into this quadrant. 

Continuous Dynamic is a full time dynamic where some control is given up. It’s a sustainable situation for most people invested in having a lifestyle dynamic. An example would be a dominant who dresses their submissive by picking out their clothes and underwear daily. Specific and negotiated actions reinforce a dynamic without giving up overall autonomy.

Why is any of this appealing? Why would someone want to be in control of someone else? Why would someone give up control to someone else? There are as many reasons as there are people practicing role-based relationships. I would venture to guess that the most commonly shared reason is that it’s hot. I don’t know about you, but living the French maid fantasy as a daily reality is quite appealing to me. Beyond the horny cause, D/s creates structure that often paves the way for growth and integrity by creating a practice of disciple and accountability. Controlled and negotiated shadow-play, which often comes along with role-based relationships, can help us work out some deep wounds. In many cases people claim that D/s has a spiritual value in their lives. 

Having a submissive in your charge is a great responsibility that shouldn’t be taken lightly. It is a great gift for dominants to receive the level of trust it takes for someone to hand over control, and to violate that is a gross misuse of power. Motivations for taking on the dominant role vary widely, but anything that veers into the territory of self-serving is not a good sign. Laying back while someone serves you and offering nothing in return is not being a leader. Having control of someone should be benevolent, improve their life and well-being, and even help them grow and achieve goals. Ask yourself, why do you want to control someone else? Do you give your dominance away too easily? What has the submissive done to earn the privilege to serve you? 

Submitting to a dominant is also a great responsibility. Being someone’s charge who (hopefully) wants to invest in your life and guide you towards growth is a wonderful feeling. Being a submissive is a strong role for strong people. Sometimes, people are motivated to the submissive role to forget their “real life” and live in a sexy fantasy world 24/7. Submission as escapism will not do outside the play room, as it requires an active presence and dedication. Ask yourself, why do you want to be controlled by someone else? Do you give your submission away too easily? What has the dominant done to inspire your service, to earn your trust? 

Setting up an intentional power dynamic involves hard work and trial and error. The co-creation of these relationships by both D and s is of the utmost importance. I think this is the part that’s really fun, but requires a lot of imagination. This was the hardest part for me—after I entered my first dynamic, I ordered all the books I could find to figure out a structure that seemed ideal. Most of the books were from the perspective of a cis/het relationship with a male dominant, they involved a lot of protocol, and focused heavily on sexual service. In other words, I felt alienated by these books because I didn’t see my dominant voice, my sexuality, or my politics reflected! I had no interest in taking ideas from straight men mimicking slavery, or gay men mimicking military protocol. What do anarchist dyke dominants do? (Fun fact: I actually found a D/s book written by a lesbian and it was unfortunately even worse than the ones written by straight men and involved lots of poop shaming.) 

What I took away from this discovery phase is that maybe if you’re constructing a DIY relationship, you really should build it yourselves. I find a lot of the pageantry silly, I don’t need someone to kneel every time I enter the room for me to feel dominant. I don’t like traditional collars because I hate doing what everyone else does. It doesn’t please me to constantly be called by an honorific. I don’t care if my pronouns are capitalized. What I do like is continuous and ongoing quality service to reinforce the dynamic. I love being driven around in my own car, especially in the back seat. I love having complete vision of my submissive’s ass in my house (no pants allowed). I love telling them what to wear and dressing them up. I love having access to their body to bite and scratch at my will, and access to their blood to drain. I love rewarding extra-good behavior and guiding positive choices. I love hearing how I upset them or pissed them off so that they will continue to share their feelings with me. 

How can you plan to win? I think the best way to set your relationship up for success is to talk about everything. Every idea, every fantasy, every fetish needs to be discussed and decided on. You can work to build trust by starting small and introducing a few things into your dynamic at a time. See how they feel and if they are sustainable in the long term, then communicate with honest and open feedback. If something isn’t working, it’s not a failure to throw it away—remember that’s the gift of making this stuff up! If both people aren’t excited about a protocol or service, I would advise not starting with that. If the sub doesn’t remember to do it, and the dom doesn’t remember to enforce it, it’s probably not worth keeping. Having a long list of useless rules and protocols just for the sake of being domly doesn’t really serve anything but ego.

Planning to win also involves something I talk about ad nauseum with regards to polyamory. You guessed it: BOUNDARIES, BOUNDARIES, BoUnDaRiEs are crucial to creating and maintaining a power dynamic relationship. Learn what you need, learn how to ask for what you need, and don’t tolerate anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries.

When a dynamic is co-created and each person wants to be in their role, I’ve found that punishments or behavior corrections are rare. If everyone is on the same page, consenting to the dynamic, and getting their needs met, there shouldn’t be any misbehaving. If a sub is constantly breaking rules or acting out, it’s time for a more serious and larger discussion about why they are disrespecting the dynamic they signed up for. Dominants can misbehave as well by breaking rules, promises, or lying and should be held to the same standards. However, it’s usually the submissives who sign up for the behavior correction. In my very strong opinion, behavior correction should never take a physical form. Doling out physical punishment in anger means you are not much different from parents who beat their children. Additionally, if the submissive is a masochist, this type of punishment is actually benefiting the submissive, which just reinforces the bad behavior. Corporal punishment should be left to the willing masochists who aren’t in trouble. A much better alternative for behavior correction is to restrict access to something the submissive loves—no play time for a month, restrict their favorite service, get a professional pedicure so they don’t get to do it, etc. I recently threatened my submissive with not being allowed to cook me dinner, something she really loves doing, and she got rid of her bratitude very fast. 

The desire to control someone is a red flag in vanilla relationships, so why is it okay here? I’m sure we have all had a parent, friend, or partner who has been too controlling, jealous, or manipulative. There is a big difference between abusive control and consensual empowering control, or control that enforces a contracted power dynamic. It’s very easy to project our own histories of control and abuse onto D/s relationships between consenting adults. Just because a D/s relationship is consensual, doesn’t mean that it’s not abusive. Unfortunately, the only people who get to decide if the dynamic is abusive are the ones involved.

Abusive control in a power dynamic CAN look like: Extreme jealousy and possession, isolation, telling you they know what’s best for you while making decisions that harm you, violating boundaries, lying, refusal to address your feelings, putting your physical safety at risk, extreme rules with no apparent purpose, physical punishment, wielding power to keep you down.

Empowering control in a power dynamic CAN look like: Rules and structure have stated purpose, actions and ideology align, encouragement of relationships outside the power dynamic, use of power to uplift and encourage, decisions made on your behalf make you feel positive and loved, your feelings are taken seriously, your physical body is never put in danger, punishment is never physical. 

While both sides of the slash are vulnerable to mistreatment, it happens more often to the person offering up their power. There are a lot of dominants who truly believe that submissives are weak, or that subbing is a stepping stone to becoming a dominant (sarcastic voice: why wouldn’t they want to be superior and powerful?!). I think the mentality that submissive is a devalued position is disgusting and toxic and gives us dominants a bad name. Submissives are whole people with feelings who aren’t any less than dominants (unless they’re personally into that kind of degradation, then carry on). I hear a lot of “I need a submissive to do X” as if they are interchangeable robots. There’s intimacy and care taken in knowing exactly how someone likes their things / food / home. I wonder what makes certain doms think they’re so great that any sub would just drop to their knees in service? It’s always important to think: How do you inspire devotion and servitude?

Look out for more next week!