Dead but Delicious
Dead but Delicious
dear daemonum + polyamory coaching!
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-10:56

dear daemonum + polyamory coaching!

Like millions of other people, I recently lost my (vanilla corporate) job. My position was moved to part-time a few months ago and then eventually eliminated. Let’s be real though—it has been increasingly hard to exist in a corporate environment being the person that I am. Pretending to care about a career and have goals of labor when your job is to directly increase the profits of a billion dollar corporation is just soul sucking, even when it’s for a cool liberal fashion company that gives you lots of free underwear. This summer has been rough for so many people, and the COVID isolation has absolutely impacted my mental health. The Bright Side is that through my part-time work schedule, space has opened up to do more things I enjoy (running workshops, caring for my plants, petting my dogs, reading, writing, kinky things). I have been able to wrap my head around the possibility of doing what I am actually passionate about full time. 

In January of 2019 I released Linked —my little zine on polyamory. Honestly, I wrote it in reaction to hearing polyam horror stories from friends and acquaintances who were asking me for advice (and rarely taking it tbh). I hoped that I could summarize some big ideas in twenty-something pages to help people get their shit together and stop being so messy. I have been blown away by the interest and positive feedback I’ve gotten from both people new and experienced in non-monogamy. At the risk of sounding corny, I truly believe that relationships are revolutionary sites for healing and growth. If we do nothing else, at the very least we can try to treat each other well. 

The main idea here is that not everyone who chooses to practice polyamory has the friends, community, or therapist to act as a support system or sounding board. Not everyone has the friend to give you great advice you never take :) Sometimes even close friends can judge us because they cannot fathom non-monogamy for themselves. It really sucks, and it’s hard, and I’ve been there!

This is all to say that I’m super excited to announce that I’m offering polyamory/non-monogamy coaching for individuals and couples!! This is brand new for me as a formality, but after years of being “polyamory domme” to friends, partners, and strangers alike (hi, every DM I’ve ever gotten and answered out of the goodness of my heart) why not lean into what I love doing!?! Each person will receive personal guidance with exploring your own goals, desires, and strengthening your boundaries. While I set up a website with more formal language and information— if you’re interested in booking a consultation with me please send me an email at [daemonumx0 at gmail dot com]

I thought it would be fun for this announcement to come with some “Dear Daemonum” in the style of a good old fashioned advice column!  


Timid: I used to be in polyamorous relationships until I met my current partner, with whom I’ve been monogamous for years. We’ve decided that it’s time to open ourselves to more relationships- individually and as a dyad. This is something I’ve wanted, so, yay!

The thing is, I have no idea how to do this now. I used to meet dates through my bandmates or extended social circle, and I never had a “primary partner.” In contrast, my social circle has shrunk since I moved twice across the country, I am in a new city, and I’m in a long-term relationship with a partner who I think of as… well, “primary.” So my desires are the same, but my circumstances are different now. How do I meet folks (strangers?!) who want to date my timid, polyamorous ass? 

(Addendum: I’m almost *never timid* This is a new feeling. I don’t like it) 

Hello Timid, and thanks for this thoughtful question! Two moves across the country, a shrunken social circle, and years of being monogamous are all very real reasons to feel timid. Being social and meeting new people is absolutely a skill and when you’re out of practice (as well all are now that COVID has made socializing unsafe) it’s really easy to lose your confidence! First of all congratulations on being ready to start meeting new people again. That is exciting! 

I think that I first want to recognize the social landscape for dating is now completely transformed. Learning how to safely meet new people and/or date while there is a global pandemic poses its own unique challenges. Luckily we know more about the virus now and testing has become slightly easier so you can figure out ways to navigate this that feel good for you and your pod. Additionally, this bolsters your skills for clear communication, consent, and negotiation that will also help you navigate polyamory.

The thing that jumped out here for me is that you’re living in a new place and have a smaller social circle along with one partner you’ve been with for years. That sounds like you could be a bit isolated (even on top of the pandemic isolation). I always recommend to not prioritize romantic relationships over all other relationships *and* I think there’s a careful way to move forward with expanding your social circle while also being open and ready to meet new partners. Building a solid support system in your new city is really important. A crucial component to successful polyamory is self-accountability. In an ideal situation our support systems of friends, lovers, and partners all help us in this practice of self-accountability in that when we fuck up and our actions don’t align with our values, they are the people who call us in and help to course-correct. 

My advice to you is that when you’re meeting new people, maybe keep a really open mind and don’t become attached to a box you want to fit someone in? You could meet new friends and potential dates at the same time. In my personal practice of polyamory, I like to get to know people first to make sure our styles of polyamory align before I decide I even want to date them. This is important also because it shields my partners and polycule from the potential drama of jumping right in to dating someone who’s not a good fit (ie messy). This means that my new relationships are rarely romantic at first. Casting a wide net and seeing where things go is a great way to build up your social circle too! That being said, maybe consider putting the idea of dating together with your partner on hold until you’ve had some success in expanding your social circle solo. 

As for the logistics of how—that part is a bit trickier, especially now. I recommend trying all the dating apps and making sure you are 100% honest with what your relationship status is and what you’re looking for. Social media is also a great way to connect with people in a new city. Try to follow like-minded people and in a not creepy way ask them to hang out. It is totally cool to tell people you’re new to town and trying to meet people and open to dating or friends, and that you are polyamorous with one long-term partner. Luckily it’s still warm outside for a few more months so go forth and have your masked, outdoors, socially-distant dates before winter comes! Good luck!!!


Seeking Security: Me and my girlfriend are beginning to experiment with polyamory, and we’ve discussed seeing other people separately. How can you feel secure that they (or you) won’t fall for someone else therefore ending your relationship? 

Hi Seeking Security! This is a really common question and feeling, especially for someone new to polyamory. We are so used to feeling that our relationships are secure when we are monogamous and that fear of being left for someone else is activated when our partners start to date other people. The hard truth is that your monogamous relationship is no less secure than a polyamorous one. Monogamous people meet others, or cheat, or leave their seemingly secure relationships every day. I have seen my monogamous friends go through just as many (if not more) break-ups than my polyamorous friends. So let go of that idea right now!

The beautiful thing about being polyamorous is that it usually (and should tbh) comes with a perspective shift of unlearning this false sense of security that monogamy brings us. At its core, polyamory means that your partner can, should, and will fall for someone else (and if you’re not ok with that, maybe revisit your interest). It is unrealistic to believe that you can have an open relationship and not catch feelings for other people. The nature of being polyamorous means that you are open to having multiple romantic/sexual/intimate relationships at the same time, this means that you don’t need to *leave* anyone when you fall for someone new! You should absolutely have some kind of feelings for everyone you have relationships with. The possibilities here are endless and you can create all different kinds of connections that work for you. It takes a lot of intention to shift your perspective from that scarcity mindset, or move away from a more activated fear of being abandoned, to one of comfort and abundance.

Most people begin practicing polyamory by opening up an established monogamous relationship. Because there are so many different ways to be polyamorous, make sure you do your research and really think about what kind of relationships you want to have. What does your ideal landscape of partners and/or lovers look like? What about your girlfriend? Hopefully you have some alignment and overlap and can be supportive and loving of each other in your exciting new adventures. Lastly, I want to implore that you and your partner are being completely open and honest with each other because secrets, hiding, and lies will exacerbate scary feelings of being left for someone else. 

It’s so exciting to be navigating non-monogamy for the first time! It’s also terrifying and can force us to confront past trauma, bad boundaries, and make you work on your shit! That being said, make sure you are really doing this with care and intention. Here’s to lots more love than either of you have ever imagined! 

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 Dead but Delicious
Dead but Delicious
dyke drama, BDSM, polyamory, evil, etc.
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