For Valentine’s Day, I want to share some thoughts about the very romantic and kinky relationship structure known as D/s!!! In the nature of self-editing, I always hear the voices of potential readers in my head getting upset with me because they found a nuance to poke at or are applying my words to their situation and internalizing my Dominant and Authoritative voice to be The Law thus invalidating their entire existence. To my surprise, this has only happened once here in my own newsletter where I received a very long, confusing email accusing me of asexual erasure because I made a joke about micro identities. Anywhooo, yes I have informed opinions and you absolutely don’t have to agree with them. I assume you’re all here because you’re interested in said opinions. This is a long winded way of saying that I want to preface this by screaming that there is no one way to do D/s.
From the outside, and sometimes on the inside, people think that role based relationships of dominance and submission flow in one direction. This means that all the power, instruction, and leading come from the dominant partner then are absorbed and obeyed by the submissive partner. Much like a hose flowing in one direction the dominant sprays their commands onto the sub until they are soaking wet, maybe while wearing a white t-shirt or equally seductive ensemble. How many times do we hear “My domme made me do ____!” Submissives take the orders and must do what they’re told or they get in trouble. I get why people think this, but it takes a pretty even flow of give and take between two people to make a working, lasting, power exchange relationship.
I’ve found that when people in any kind of relationship consent to do things they don’t actually want to do, they may keep their word for a while, but they ultimately end up slipping and breaking their promise because they’re crossing their own boundaries (many people call this compromising). People who agree to monogamous relationships when they really want to be fucking lots of people always end up cheating. People who agree not to talk to that ex anymore when they actually really love and care about them will always end up sneaking DMs, phone calls, or even secret meet ups. Submissives who agree to follow protocol, tasks, or do an activity that they don’t really want to do will end up disappointing their dominants by dropping the ball, and maybe even feeling resentful.
To that end, D/s simply cannot be one-sided. Submissives shouldn’t agree to relationship terms that they don’t actually want because they will find them very difficult to keep. This goes the same for dominants as well. One-sided relationships where submissives do whatever they are told all the time (what a lot of people think happens) comes off as an extremely disconnected dynamic, even selfish. D/s is called power exchange for a very real reason—there is a flow of energy between two people that is really beautiful and romantic, but let’s not forget super hot. The one-way transfer of power is also dangerous in that it easily positions consenting submissives as victims. Not that we need to care what other people think but it’s hard for lots of people to wrap their head around the fact that consent, even when it’s consenting to never say no, is an ongoing choice. You choose it every time you say Yes and continue the dynamic, but it has to be negotiated. It’s common for people to see relationships and make assumptions that submissives lack autonomy under the iron fist of a dominant, those poor things!
So what I’d like to get at here is to explore all the ways that power exchange is failing if it’s one-sided. A dominant that’s doling out orders and having someone complete their every wish isn’t actually receiving energetic feedback from the sub. All the attention and energy is focused on the dominant’s desires, and in reaction the submissive meets those desires. If someone is so devoted to you that they would do literally whatever you say, that’s actually a failure of power exchange and sounds more like a cult leader than a dominant. (Again, join whatever cult you want, but don’t call it D/s.)
So, what is this exchange of power supposed to look like? First, let’s talk more about what exactly this power is. There is power in both dominance and submission. Power in submission comes from both the ability to trust in someone enough to let go and from the commitment to a discipline of boundaries. It’s so powerful to say “I need to take care of myself first.” It’s powerful to say “That doesn’t interest me and I don’t want to do it.” It’s powerful to say “Can we renegotiate this so that I feel more comfortable?” Power in dominance comes from control with care and a discipline in attention to feedback. It’s powerful when dominants pay attention to the energy feedback they are receiving and then alter or continue the cycle. It’s powerful to say “You’re not allowed to clean my bathroom until your personal chores are done first.” It’s powerful to say “Thank you for stating your boundaries.” Both of these roles become almost spiritual (sorry for going there but I had to) when they have both this inward and outward ongoing commitment that’s being transferred with every step.
When a submissive always says yes, or consents to never say no, the flow of energy goes in one direction and is only outward. This robs the submissive of the crucial ongoing work of boundaries and deepening consent. This makes it so the dominant can take without actually focusing any attention on the submissive, the attention always stays on the dominant. You can consent to something by saying yes, but what deepens consent is the ability to say yes, and. Negotiation is consent. Yes I can do this for you, and I need more time because I have a date tonight. Yes I would love to play, and I really can’t handle a beating right now.
I’m not really a fan of protocol. It doesn’t make me feel any more dominant to make someone kneel when they enter my house, or never look me in the eye (or, whatever!). If the purpose of protocol is to reassert the roles in the relationship, it doesn’t really do that for me and feels like show pony optics. I don’t need to be reminded with protocol that I’m in charge because we’ve already agreed that I’m in charge. In reading Real Service, the concept of “If the dominant doesn’t want it, it’s not service” really stuck out to me. Protocol is something I get asked about often because it’s a super common facet of D/s relationships, integral even. I wonder how many people do these things because they think they’re supposed to, or because they see other people doing them? Does the queen need people to bow to remind her that she’s the queen? Definitely not. Any protocol I keep serves a, shall we say, higher purpose. My girlfriend isn’t allowed to wear pants in my apartment because I like to look at her ass at all times, a divine purpose indeed.
In thinking about this concept of one-way D/s, I realized another thing about protocol is that it can be an effortless way to reenforce dominance when there isn’t actually an exchange of power. Protocol can be a routine way to feel like something deeper is happening in the dynamic when it’s just a call and response, or a test of routine and memory. While I suppose that can still be considered an energy exchange, it can seem superficial in that it lacks a je ne sais quoi! A dominant can be super impressive and domly with a list of 50 protocols they ask their subs to memorize, but to this I ask: To what end with the pony show? What does this do for you? What does this do for the sub?
I work with people to help them start power exchange relationships... What’s that pesky word? Ethically! In my own relationships, I always fear that my partners are just going along with what I want because I’m usually the one who’s extremely clear about what I want. I’ve asked many times “If you were single, is this something you’d desire?” Or, “Are you just doing this because you want to please me?” Especially if someone has codependent tendencies, they may not even be able to answer that question without their rose-colored enmeshment goggles. Anyway, this all plays into building ethical D/s relationships because they need to be co-created. In order to facilitate this co-creation, I ask dominants to try pulling instead of pushing. Before you set the relationship rules, make your submissive write you a description of their ideal relationship. Have them write you erotica and tell you what was so hot about it so you have an idea of their desires (or make them tell you directly). Make them keep a masturbation journal so you know what they think about when they come. This is all data that will help you learn what they lean towards so you can find common ground where your desires overlap. This is not so you can cater to their every whim, because that’s just as bad and also not collaborative. Give them positive reinforcement for saying no, for saying yes, and. Make sure your relationship is always up for negotiation rather than signing a contract (oop!).
Power exchange relationships are really ripe for the type of healing and repair that happens in healthy intimate relationships because they are so deeply negotiated and discussed. When they are not heavily negotiated there is likewise major damage potential. Without a symbiotic flow of energy, it’s easy to disregard boundaries and completely give yourself over to the fantasy of being “owned.” It’s really hot to be a brainless object that follows orders, truuuust me I know. However, that fantasy lived out 24/7 and with a person who only cares about getting their own needs met can leave lasting damage. Being literally dommed into having boundaries (You get a sticker when you share your feelings with me), prioritizing yourself (You have to stay home and rest tonight or we can’t have play time this weekend), and creating more discipline in your life (You must send me a photo of your bed made every morning) is maybe even hotter.
a D/s valentine